My · Divorce · from · Remorse

s o o o o many things have been happening to me lately, I have to slow myself down to keep up with it all. My studies have increased; that is one good thing. I have been learning everything I can about Tarot: OGD, Kaballah, Geometry and all types of philosophy on the subject. The RW deck, UniversaL and Masonic are the decks I have chosen at this point in time. I have met my teacher finally, the mahatma that will help me ascend in higher things. he is enlightened, handsome, insightful and intelligent. However, he is still working on himself, so I cannot sow too many hopes in his garden when it comes to achievements. I have begun seeing a psychlogist, have cut back my marijauna smoking, and have begun this journey as a new woman. i have quite a selection of books and studies to proceed unto: regular community college, my metaphysical/psychological/occult studies, european history, archelogical matters, and my self initiation. One thing at a time, I must remember.

oh, why is it that every time i think i have achieved some type of moral purity it all flushes down the drain?!
i miss writing letters of dispute but at this time I must refute all advances of what pollutes. My days seem to drag on and morph into one long continuous hour. I wonder what will happen to me, I must pray for my repentance and turn to it, and away from all of this blasphemy that surrounds me daily. I love so many, i hurts me to know I am still alone, without Kenan. Does he not know I still weep for my loss? He thought something other of me than what I am and was, he will never understand the extent of my love and loyalty to him. I cannot stop the tears from flowing even now as I type this, I get in such a cold and bitter way. My heart pines in depths of sorrow for the one who has paced so far from me.
Unrequited, the physiccal distractions i use are no match for his pull power over me. I gave myself to him and he kicked me to the side.
wow.
good night.

today was awful, my mom and I went and got our beloved Lucky dog put to sleep. She was 18 years old.


Rest in Peace
Lucky
...1986 - 2004...

if i could create options, i could freeze and erase it. quitting this weed is a lot more probematic than i believed it would be. Actually, I knew it would be hard at first.I havent even told myself i quit, yet. and that is the first step. well i am going to see how this painting thing turns out...

today i attempted to go to a twelve step meeting, when i showed up i was the only person there. how bunk. tomorrow i am going to go to one down on greenwood,maybe i will go to two. i have to go to two by monday, so over the weekend i will get that done. i really hope things turn out with this situation. i am trying to gather up some goals in no particular order: hairstylist's license, esthetition{to start my own maek-up/skin care line}, fitness trainer, photographer, psych, law & business, breed champs, write several books, florist...hmmm i cannot remember what else i was thinking of earlier, i always get the best ideas that are so short-lived.
i have my new clown loach, he already has ate up all my little snails! I am glad, thats why i bought him. he is great looking, yellow with black stripes. actually i dont know if it is a male or female, but it sure is a fantastic specimin. he hides a lot, however/ its sorta rare to see him. i hope he gets big. oh i am getting tired now, i will sleep and not have a bunch of bullshit to do tomorrow morning- yeah-uh!

that is the outcome of my drug evaluation. fucking bullshit if you ask me.but hey, the classes cant hurt. yeah right, they cost hella and they waste time as well, but its better than not keeping my license or worse yet, having to go to jail and getting a dui on my record. this deferment program sounds alot better. whatever its called. i am so tired, i am going to hit my blunt again anyway. this wont be so bad, Andre should come up here. I am excited cuz my sistere is in town and I am going over there tomorrow. andre just called. i guess i will end this.

i am watching L&O and Det.Curtis had a date, reminding me how fun it is to go eat with a handsome charecter, while getting to know someone new at the same time. I miss Az a bit, although I have a tender feeling that he may forgive me. He is so kind, forgivness lives in his heart. He is truely one of my only good friends. Everyone is so shallow, the so called losses are nothing but my gain.
My dwarf frog is not doing very well, I hope he wont pass away. It looks that way, however.
This is a good law and order, Brisco and Curtis went to LA to investigate, it sorta got into more personal situations than usual.Ohhh goody, it was a 'to be continued..' and now it is. I was late returning my movies so now I owe about 6.50. Shit. I put more medication in my tank, i hope it helps my cory, i think its too late to help my frog. he is just laying there with his legs splayed out and his eyes look all sunk in and dark. sigh.....
I bought some amber resin today at Travelers, it reminds me of Khynk Rhead. He always had an amber essence upon him. I miss him often, I haa an ill dream with him in it the other night. I want to find some precious stones, I went to Northgate to look for some at Natural Wonders and they dont even have that store down there anymore. I remember when I was little reading through the The Nature Company catalogue, or whatever that store is called. I wonder if its still around. I should really finish up my collage. Tomorrow at three I have to go to this drug asessment session and get evaulated. The man I spoke to seemed really nice. I will pray that everything goes well. I do not want a dui on my driving record, thats for sure.

so today was fun, i hung out with Jesse and the dogs. we went and walked chukki and nikki around broadway and then we went to my house and smoked a couple blunts. i ended uo giving her a ride back home, but before i dropped her off we stopped by the vietmese market and got some food. speaking of, i am thirsty. i just got some milk. this law and order is great, McCoy is grilling this defendant. hah! she was found guilty. i need to get working on my art project, tomorrow i will get on it. i am smoking my bubbler, i need to quit very soon as i awit penalty from the court due to my DUI. ....
anyway on a lighter note, my sage is burning soulfully and my dwarf frog remains in hiding in my aquarium. i hope he didnt go inside the rock in the tank and die. i really dont think so though. my red nose nikki was going out of control today in the car, lunging and whining, howling and barking. it was terrible. poor jesse was scared. so were the others that were near enough to see the four wheeled spectacle. i want to get a bonsai from the lady up at alderwood, she has a great selection. i hope ax will call me sometime, i pray he will not hold this grudge against me forever. i have to go walk chukki in the morning, and I have to call my public defender and my dr. wha wha whaaaaa...i have to get this note from my docter that says that ythe medecine i take causes tremors cuz in the police report it says i was having severe tremors. and its from my lexapro. fuckin cop punks.
well i am going to end this now. tah-dah!

i bought some anti-fungus for my tank thinking it ould help my sick cory, and now the water is green and i stained my shirt in the process. hopefully the water will clear and my bronze will grow his whiskers back. my two new guppies died over the weekend and I got a new female today. i need to shop online for new sheets and some music. i do appreciate what a bought yesterday, a silver pouch lined with purple material attached to a chain. it was a real steal at ten bucks, and also i got azrael a bracelet with a crows beak. well, i figure it was a crow although it may as well be an eagle. i am not even sure if it is real silver but probably. it was twenty bucks originally and sorta chunky, if it was real it may go for quite a bit more, but it is a nice one anyway. at least he met up with me, although i am not foolish enough to think that he forgives me. i pray he will...i had such a weird dream with rhead in it, i cant get into detail but i clearly told him i had been working on building up my chi as i was in the middle of a time-frozen roundhouse kick. man oh man i need to work on getting a new job, i spend more money than i can afford. i should go to hairschool...beauty academy, whatever it is called. i need to get into something, i have been talking about martial arts for years and i know some basics, i need to focus unto some specific type. i should meet up with fine ass Tone and see what regime he uses to keep his body so on hit. he is real stocky and nice. i know i should probably keep up on my punctuation on this site, but to hell with it. i called jesse earlier and she called back letting me know she wants to hang out tonight for the fourth...not sure what we are going to do but i need to take a nap after i post this. andre just called, i wish he would get up here. i am enjoying a cherry vanilla soda and about to hit on this blunt and light this sage before i nap. maybe i will do my nails now too. i should go grab some cotton. well, i guess i wont right now after all, i am not motivated on that tip. i am going to look on amzon for some ish now.

i am watching monster and wondering how in the hell people can be so crazy. well, quite honesty i understand why, but it still is disturbing. yhe sky outside looks strange, it is almost red. i went shoppping today at value village and salvation army, and i got a haologen sweater. buffalo jeans, nine west heels, an embroidered pillow, an pair of khakis and a t shirt. i am baked and tired. i have to go walk chukki in the morning too, so i guess i should hop in bed. with nikki and audi. i will write tomorrow most likely.

so i spoke to one of my dearest friends and he is disgusted with me. i am too, i suppose, but not as disgusted as i have been proud of my mental strenghthening. a lot of the people i love cant stand me. i guess that still doesnt stop me from being me and stating my obnoxious opinions and nerd-like know it all facts.
i went over to this dude's house earlier and got Dee-nied. i am scorned as well as hated and despised. let me blaze this bubbler and watch Monster. i has been such a hard year for me, and it is difficult for me to get along socially. i am sick of the constant bickering.i get so mournful thinking of these lowly thoughts. i cannot bear the thought of losing azrael as my friend, he means too much to me. i cry when i think for too long about those things. maybe i will write more in a bit. i got a new female swordtail and i want to find out about the babies.

I am watching Club Dread and smoking a blunt. I want to go get some ice cream, or some type of treat....shit, I went to court twice today, first in the morning in shoreline, then in the evening downtown. Bunk bunk. At least I got paid today. I got a pair of new guppies and also went and got my nails done.
I am tired.

I get so tired of being stressed out, this is overtime. I need to find some simple time to relax and enjoy myself, although it seems as though I do have a lot of spare time. I need to take a typing course, you know, sharpen up my skiznills. *stirring chocolate milk in a tall glass* My day was shit, I had a panic attack halfway through it. I believe the road rage triggered it, going down 145th while this fucking slowpoke in a huge jacked up red-necked out 82' bronco filled with three pricks dregged in front of me, then as I passed him I yelled obscenities, at which he attempted to race me from Linden to Greenwood, and of course I won. *hitting blunt roach* Then when I showed up to Darse's that cat wasnt even home. So I (pissed off) went back home, promptly getting into a fight with my parents about what time to go to meet my attorney.....sigh. So my public pretender is a bit of a dick, but I think he will get me a good deal. I want to get stoned!!! Fuck. I think I might have to take some deal where I might have to take some weekly U.A or something. Dammit. There is some way around this. I will find it. Speaking of court orders, this Law and Order is good, one I have never seen, surprise surprise. TnT only fucks with repeats of L&O.
WHAAA WHAAA WHAAAAAAA!